Ghidorah Didn't Die For Our Sins

Nothing makes me happier than four monsters fighting a battle royale on the slopes of Mount Fuji. 1964 was the year three-headed King Ghidorah crashlanded on Earth to wreak havoc. The Japanese unfortunately got screwed yet again as Honshu was his first stomping ground -- but lucky for us it was all caught on film. This Tohoscope extravaganza makes your average 2007 Blockbuster run back to the lockeroom and pack his bags.

I know you're thinking about that scene in "Pee Wee's Big Adventure": PW rides his bike across the mock-Ishiro Honda stage where a guy in lizard suit stomps around an oversized train set. But don't let the pop-culture elitists steer you wrong; Godzilla films are ounce for ounce some of the most ferocious entertainment you'll have the pleasure of sliding into your DVD player.

Ghidorah is the fifth installment in the series, wherein we are introduced to the most powerful, cruel monster of them all: King G himself. He breathes lightning bolts. His talons crinkle steel girders like tin foil. He is in fact so powerful that the Japanese have to enlist all of the known monsters in the world to band together and stop him.

But not so fast, sonny. No sooner does Godzilla come to town than his old nemesis Rodan is on him like a bad rash. This cackling, winged nightmare is one mean bastard who never shies away from the cheapest of shots. If he's not pecking out your eyeballs he's clawing at your scalp -- when cornered he flaps his wings furiously to create a choke-inducing dustcloud.

If all that doesn't seem fun enough, the film really hits its bizarre stride with the summoning of a pupa-stage Mothra to join the ill-conceived trifecta and keep the peace. I won't spoil any of the magic.

While many Japanese fantasy films of recent years get bogged down in metaphysical philosophy and mathematically-computed action (Final Fantasy, Appleseed), the old works of Ishiro Honda derive their thrills from genuine mayhem and pitting good versus evil. So, for those of you who can't stomach the embarassment of taking your lady to see a Michael Bay film, or suffering through any summer blockbuster (what certainly must be one of the worst dates imaginable by now), here's your answer. On second thought, maybe save this one for her "girl's night out." There's even a Mothra song to help you through the slow parts.